Being Mary Cain.

From the backlash concerning their treatment of pregnant athletes, to Alberto Salazar’s ban, the disbanding of the Oregon Project, and allegations of emotional abuse.

It hasn’t been a good media year for my main sponsor NIKE.

It really hasn’t.

So they do the usual, put out a statement, call for an investigation. 

Alberto apologizes but not really because his apology featured the words “if” and “maybe”

But I expected that from him.

What I didn’t expect to see in the published statement was the seemingly harmless line about Mary Cain wanting to return to the Oregon Project and how she didn’t raise any of those concerns when she was looking to return.

And that line…

Let me just come right out and say it, was fucked up to include.

Because THAT line was essentially an attempt to cast doubt on and discredit Mary’s story.

That line was included as if to say, “if it was as bad as you say why did you want back in?”

I’m going to say this once…no I won’t I will hammer this home repeatedly if I must:

This is what the cycle of abuse looks like.

I remember being presented an article in court when I was testifying in my divorce proceedings. Opposing counsel asked me about things I was quoted as saying in the article. Asked things like was that the truth? And when I’d say no, he’d ask me if I was a liar. If I liked spinning stories and misleading the public.

I remember answering once (because this was a preferred line of questioning for them) that a person will do and say what they need to say when the alternative was punishment. Period. I said, you can show me a dozen interviews of me saying “this was the best relationship ever” and my answer will remain the same. I said what I needed to say, and I behaved the way I needed to behave.

Perhaps so many people “overlooked” Mary’s struggles because they are/were fortunate enough to not have experienced the subtle nuances of abuse in their own lives. And therefore didn’t recognize it as such.

But I know. 

I know that when things are going well, you feel like they’ll stay that way forever.

I know that when things have gone to hell, you can find a way to make it your fault, and you are adamant that it’s temporary.

I know that you sometimes weigh what victory is worth. And you ask yourself if the abuse is just a small price to pay for the glory.

You ask yourself if it’s worth it to run away from.

What if you do actually need them to be as good as you want to be?

Isn’t that what they tell you? 

Isn’t that the message that is dripped like Chinese water torture on the scalp until it penetrates your brain?

Isn’t it too risky, with the way the reduction clauses are written in contracts to find out?

That line released in the statement by Nike, ignores how abuse and its victims operate. It ignores the fact that not only do abuse victims often stay with their abusers, it also ignores the phenomena that some victims RETURN after leaving.

Why do they stay?

I was asked this question on the stand too.

The answer was that I was deeply entrenched in a system in which stepping outside of it ill-prepared would have left me with no resources, nowhere to go, and no way to rebuild.

Why do they return?

I imagine that some return because “going it alone” is too overwhelming after years of navigating a dynamic in which you did very little for yourself. 

Or maybe you understand that you can be okay trading your physical safety for financial security.

Or maybe you’ll deal with it because you need help with the kids.

Or maybe you can tolerate it because at least when you were together you were winning.

And maybe you can handle a little more shame, a little more humiliation, a little more violence to feel the power of the podium again. To have that one night where you look into their eyes and see pride.

There’s a reason athletes are susceptible to shit like this. And it’s because we are results oriented.

That’s the nature of sport.

But that’s not the way of a healthy life.

The two run so counter to each other the dissonance causes mental health issues in us.

It took me leaving my own situation, struggling to get back on my feet over the last two plus years, while training and competing to really get a grip on this.

Athletes, and particularly athletes that have suffered abuses in or related to their respective sports have to do the work of returning their awareness to themselves.

Because abuse victims spend most of their time worried about and catering to their abuser.

And because of this, success is defined by the abuser as is what it means to fail. And we accept those definitions because to not do so is too risky.

And those definitions don’t just disappear. 

Even after physically removing yourself from a situation like that. Even being hundreds or thousands of miles away you may still replay those “tapes” in your head about what success is, what failure is, and what the path to glory is.

And when you haven’t done enough work to dismantle those tapes, to disrupt that looping conversation, you are likely to return or seek to return. Because that’s where you believe the “success” is still.

But again I tell you, that is someone ELSES definition. What does success mean to you? And if it means the same thing, okay. Don’t be ashamed. At least now you are certain that this “thing” is something YOU also want. 

What does failure mean to you? And this is a tougher question for athletes to answer because we typically say things like, “not making the team,” “not winning a medal,” etc. and we view that as failure. 

But is it? Is it really? Or do we believe and think that because of the reduction clauses in our contracts. Because of the bonus money available if we do. Again, isn’t that still someone else defining success for you?

Outsourcing how you define success and failure can and will leave you susceptible and vulnerable to fuckery.

Medals are nice, and perhaps you are tempted to be dismissive of my statement because I have nine of them. But hear me out, medals are nice. But the shit I’m most proud of that I believe makes me successful EVEN NOW…I didn’t get medals for. Didn’t get bonuses for. Didn’t get publicly acknowledged for.

When you define success for yourself, that definition becomes your compass. That becomes the guideline you use to determine the moves you make, and the places you will go.

When the definition of success is yours…you can more easily recognize when things are amiss.

I’m telling you, once I grabbed my own life by the reigns, and began doing this work of understanding what it now meant to me to succeed and fail, I began to see all the other ways in which I allowed myself to be mistreated in order to capture someone else’s idea of success and what it takes to achieve it.

I applaud Mary for “getting out” even if for a moment she wanted back in. Applaud her for speaking up about it, even though the dynamic is complicated and nuanced and people who haven’t gone through events like this will find difficult to understand.

But there’s one thing that I want to say to Mary and to any one else who has experienced or is currently experiencing abuse of any kind:

the trauma was not, and is not our fault.

But…

healing is OUR responsibility.

So let’s do that.

Remove the timelines.

Get reacquainted with yourself.

Redefine success.

Reintroduce yourself.

And I’ll be here, and so will many others to greet you. I know this road, and it’s a tough one and often a lonely one. But I’m here. And I encourage you to see this “rebuilding” time as a gift, and to take this time and become the architect of the life you want and deserve. Do that, and maybe Athletics comes back around, maybe it doesn’t. But you’ll be here. Standing strong. And we’ll take that over the alternative every single time.

For those of us who struggle with what to say when faced with situations like this…