Between the Lines
There are a lot of things people won’t say, do, or talk about when it comes to domestic violence.
A LOT.
So many of us want to believe it’s a private matter between the offender and the abused.
So many of us see signs, and red flags, both in our own lives and others’ and don’t feel confident enough, or obligated enough to say something, to do something.
Because what is there to do? What’s there to say?
Is everything okay at home?
Are you alright?
Um yes. Say that. Ask that.
And then be prepared to be lied to. Why? Because leaving is the HARDEST and most DANGEROUS thing to do and the most dangerous time in the life of a victim.
So if there’s nothing waiting for them on the other side, no money to rebuild with, no support system, or safety net the answer is likely to be
“Oh my god, yes everything’s fine.”
“I’m okay, just tired.”
Or any version of these lies. Because where does the truth get you before you’re ready to speak it, or before you’re ready to hear it?
It gets you beat, or worse…killed.
Read in disbelief if you’d like but domestic violence is an epidemic. One that persists in cycles, and can get passed down through generations. One that doesn’t typically act itself out in front of large audiences.
But you not seeing it- doesn’t make it less of a problem, just like a mass shooting not happening at your child’s school this time, or you not personally knowing anyone who died from COVID-19…
And I always like to say, when I too am faced with those faces of disbelief, “I am actually really happy for you that this is beyond your comprehension. It means that you’ve lived a life where this wasn’t in the realm of possibility for you. And I love that for you. What a blessing, what a privilege. But please don’t allow that privilege to blind you to what’s happening beyond your personal experience.”
The same could be said about racism- and how our “well it’s not my problem because it’s not happening to me” attitude stunts progress.
That is, until it happens to someone visible, or a celebrity you like, or a video goes viral. And suddenly it’s “unacceptable”, or “there’s no place for it”, etc. etc. yada yada yada.
I know what our world would look like if the number of people who said (or tweeted) that “there’s no place for this” took some type of action that was aligned with that sentiment.
But that’s a tangentially related topic. Because there are also interesting numbers (statistics) regarding domestic violence and race but what I don’t want to do here is give anyone any reason to say- “welp, not my problem."
10 million people a year are physically abused by an intimate partner*.
20,000 brave people call a domestic violence hotline for help EVERY DAY*.
1 in 4 women, and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, sexual violence, and or stalking.
Odds are there is someone in your peer group not telling you the truth about what kind of hell home is like for them.
And now the worst has happened, one of us was killed. 25 year old Agnes Jebet Tirop was stabbed to death (allegedly-have to say that for legal reasons) by her husband. She is the world record holder at 10,000 meters and earned a:
Bronze medal at London World Champs (2017)
Bronze medal at Doha World Champs (2019)
And placed fourth at the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games in the 5,000m
All the headlines talk about how she was “found dead”. The fact that she was MURDERED, included almost a side note. Near the bottom of articles people hardly bother to read. Look at how we (don’t) talk about abuse. You can’t eradicate what you don’t acknowledge, and our own gatekeepers, and media outlets are speaking in those same vague terms about her death.
Call it for what it is! And help us as survivors break this stigma that being the victim of abuse is shame that we as the victims must carry and not the burden of the abuser. This “not” talking about it- does us no favors and this silence is now the reason
somebody somewhere is blaming themselves for not knowing, seeing, or doing more, and somebody somewhere else is asking why she didn’t leave, and someone somewhere else thinks something else most have happened because what appears to have happened is unfathomable.
These questions and discussions await us if we get out, and follow us to our graves if we don’t.
There was very little waiting for me out here when I left. I had a best friend who had my back and did all that he could to support me, I had the promise of future income and nothing else.
I’ve been dragged through the mud in divorce court, dragged through court as a defendant in frivolous defamation/slander cases.
I use the majority of my resources to defend myself, rather than directing those resources to rebuilding my life.
I get to wake up to messages and emails from bots and/or strangers calling me everything from A-Z. The nicest of which is gold digger, or liar.
I get sent URL’s of websites from people who should know better full of links to court documents, and what was supposed to be confidential safe sport testimony copy, pasted, and selectively presented to create a false, alternate narrative of what I experienced.
That’s what was waiting for me on the other side of abuse. Still waiting for me.
And there were times when I wished I didn’t have such a visible day job, and therefore could disappear, and crawl into a little hole, make myself invisible and maybe just maybe HE and his enablers would forget I existed and stop perpetuating the abuse further in the form of harassment and lawsuits they know are frivolous because he knows the truth of what happened, even if he’s not yet ready, willing, or strong enough to own his role in my life and the lives of others.
Trust me, I didn’t want to be this voice on this topic. But it happened to me. Me.
One day, a few years ago, in a painful conversation with my mom I tried to give up. I told her that I no longer wanted to fight in court, that I could no longer sit there and be accused of lying when I wasn’t.
The judge referred to me as a millennial as if that had anything to do with anything, the other side got to say they were my coach and my manager. Rendering Paul Doyle, Rana Reider, and Loren Seagrave moot. Because no one who could counter this narrative came to testify on my behalf.
I was not believed.
They treated Chuck like a hostile witness and accused him of lying for me before he was even asked a single question. He was not believed.
My parents weren’t comfortable attending the trial to testify because of the harassment they had been receiving and the restraining order in place against them.
Through tears I told my mom that leaving wasn’t even about money, it was about surviving.
And I had done the surviving part. Wasn’t my mission accomplished?
But my mom, she asked me a question that I hadn’t thought about while I was busy “saving myself”
She asked, “what obligation, if any, do you feel towards other women who may come after you?”
My breath caught in my chest, as I remembered the names and faces of every woman I encountered during my time in Tampa- women that knew- women that didn’t say anything- women that let me walk chest forward and heart open into that Roman Amphitheater knowing there was a good chance that the girl that walked in, would not be walking back out.
I think about that betrayal of sisterhood. And how it felt.
And so I’m not quiet, and so I use my voice, and tell the truth about my life and my experiences, and I talk openly about abuse, because there are a few more people within my sphere of influence who feel better about showing up for their friends who might be going through it. A few more people who understand that it isn’t just “weak women” that get prayed upon. A few more people that now know that performing well on the track is not an indication that all is well. And maybe a few more people still who are finally seeing the signs in their own relationships, and their eyes are opening, even if they aren’t ready or able to leave.
I have one on one calls with women trying to recover from their situations with abusive partners, and support organizations that support victims and survivors,
I’m going back to school to add education to my life experience in order to advocate more effectively in this space.
Because what’s out here for us?
A lot of messages about how heartbroken and sad the world is that this happened to us?
While we navigate a justice system that re-traumatizes us.
And Interact with law enforcement agencies that fall extremely short when we reach out (1/5 homicide victims with restraining orders are murdered within two days of obtaining the order. 1/3 are murdered within the first month*)
So what’s out here for us?
Who’s out here for us?
Us.
Our silence serves no one. So I speak, even as my voice shakes. And I am so sad and so sorry that we continue to let each other down in so many ways. I promise to keep fighting for those of us currently victimized who feel like they have no way to leave, for those of us who have left but are finding survival and recovery to be a totally different level of difficult, and for the legacy of those who didn’t make it out alive.
I won’t forget you Agnes. 💔
The statistics included in this blog post are from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. You can visit their website or support at ncadv.org
Also, if you purchased Survive and Advance I’ve included a list of organizations and resources if you, or someone you know is suffering.