Choice in the Matter

I wasn’t going to say anything.

Not because I didn’t have anything to say, but because I have a really big job right now: Kai.

I wasn’t blessed with an unlimited source of energy or bandwidth, and so I thought “I’ll just sit this one out.” And then I remembered how women “just sitting things out” got us to this point.

So I want to tell you a story.

I was an asshole to anyone contemplating an abortion over 15 years ago. I had a shiny new shoe contract, just moved to a nice apartment in LA, and was the reigning world champion. She asked me what I would do. I told her I’d take responsibility for my shit, and have the baby especially since I could afford to.

I sat in the waiting room of a Planned Parenthood many times as “moral support” judgmental as fuck. So sure of what I would do, so sure NIKE would “understand” if this happened to me. Laughable I know.

Fast forward to 2021 and I had worked my ass off (quite literally) to prove I still belonged in the conversation with the elite of my sport. I still was trying to overwrite what my ex told me before I left him, that I would “never be elite again.” 

Forever the underdog, unsponsored, I spent money I did not have “investing” in myself because I believed in my ability. And I refused to believe that my best years were wasted in the abyss of abuse.

And the crazy thing is, we got there. Me and my piecemeal, ragtag team got there. Charles Ryan, my bestie and coach (at the time) at Cal, Clare and Ian ( a married couple who were both world champion bodybuilders), and Steffen Visk ( my strength and conditioning coach who is at IMG), plus a million conversations with Carlo Buzzicceli to make sure I wrote my program correctly in terms of periodization. Together, we got my body right, my body healthy, and I became a sub eleven sprinter. Rounding into form just in time for the trials.

I thought, “if I make one more team…maybe just maybe someone will sign me to a one year contract” I thought, I’m a good person, I’ve built my social media following righteously, I am an advocate, I”m a clean athlete, and I work hard. I’m a yoga teacher, I thought for sure maybe Athleta or Lululemon would see my value- and that maybe it would be easier to see if I made another team.

So I put a lot of pressure on myself going into what would be my final Olympic Games. But I didn’t make the team. And Team USA is a hard team to make, so don’t get what I’m about to say next twisted- I KNEW I WOULD MAKE THAT TEAM. For the first time in the history of Tianna I believed WITHOUT a doubt, that I would make that Olympic team in the 100. I wasn’t so sure about the long jump. And even though I was the reigning Olympic Champion in the event it felt like my time doing that event was over- I felt that in every bone, joint, sinew, in my body. But you know me, why not take the shot?

I was SHOCKED to not make the 100 final, but not in the way you would think. I was shocked because I had mental lapses I’d never had before. I felt a flatness in my warm up I’ve never experienced before with so much on the line. I felt weird. I felt different. I felt off. But the one thing that I could always count on was that when it was time to show up…Tianna mutha effin’ Tashelle would show up. So I shrugged it off. I got through the warm up, I waited in the holding area, I stayed relax in the call room- CONFIDENT that I would show up- because I always have.

Until that day. The Tianna that ran that 100 meter dash was a stranger to me and THAT was what shocked me.

But I didn’t have a lot of time to deep dive into what happened because the long jump was up next. I barely qualified out of the qualification round (also not unusual). BUT again, it was how the struggle felt that worried me. I talked Chuck into taking me up to Lane Community College for practice on the off day after qualifying. I took a million jumps hoping that at least one of them would produce a feeling that was familiar. No luck. Chuck basically had to drag me off the track.

Once again, I wasn’t sure what was happening with me but I was confident I would find the turn up and show up like I’d always done. 

Nope.

They escorted my ass off the track after round three. Someone in the mixed zone asked me how it went I said, “I’m out here with you and they are out there still jumping how do you think that went?”

I locked eyes with Justin Gatlin. Gave him a weak smile, whispered in hushed tones “we can’t go out like this”

And in that moment I knew I was delaying my retirement until AFTER World Championships took place in Eugene. I was committed to this goal wholeheartedly for about 48 hours when…

I learned I was pregnant.

Fuck. Were my first words, and will likely be my son’s but I’m getting ahead of myself.

I stormed out of the bathroom holding the test, and threw the urine soaked stick in Chuck’s face. 

“I fucking told you!” I yelled. I hadn’t been a stranger to myself since 2017 and so I knew there were only two things that could make me feel that way in my current life: PMS, or pregnancy. 

Hours before I sent Chuck to Target to buy a box of Tampons and a pregnancy test because I was certain by the next day it was one or the other.

“Wow kid” was Chuck’s initial reaction while I pouted on the couch. My life flashing before my eyes. Especially the previous 24 hours where…

I kind of got drunk (in the presence of my parents!) and went on a rant about how I wanted a childless life. 

My mom said, “I think it’s great that you know what you want” and I thanked her for seeing it that way as I watched my then 6-year old nephew sleeping on the sleep sofa. In that moment I couldn’t imagine needing to live for someone else.

Why would I do that when I’m constantly fighting tooth and nail to recover myself?

I argued that I had earned the right to be self absorbed, and to turn all that generosity other people have gotten from me, to myself for once.

“What are you going to do?” Chuck asked me. I just stared at him blankly, in shock. I’ve never been in this position before. I’ve never been pregnant before. And I’ve never wanted to win again on the track so badly before either.

I told him I’d let him know. I knew, that he wanted to be a parent. I’ve known that forever, and he knew that I did not want to be. 

So, what was I going to do?

I went to Europe. And from Europe I had scheduled a home medical abortion and had the pills sent to my home.

Then I got paranoid about messing that up so I also scheduled a surgical abortion at planned parenthood for when I returned.

I felt better. I took action.

But I was in Europe, more specifically I was in Arnhem. Which is my home (I don’t care where I physically am, or where I’m living now Arnhem is home and this story is further proof).

And I was with my brother Andrey. We made Hello Fresh Dinners and took long walks and I had the space to breathe and most importantly think.

I was checking myself and my motives. I was Pro-Life growing up, and then somewhere along the lines I became Pro-Choice. So sure of my stance in the hypothetical. But now…I was thinking.

I knew that the ONLY reason I scheduled an abortion is because I did not make the Olympic team AND so I felt I needed to make the World Championship team to make up for that. 

Having a baby would put an end to that. He would be due in February and that would be way too late of a start to make the team in June.

I asked myself WHY I needed to do this so badly, and the answer honestly came down to the fact that I have always felt overlooked in a sport in which I gave so much. 

“Bitch, do you think another team is suddenly going to wake everybody up?” 

I laughed at how harsh my self talk was. Because the answer was/is: NO.

Nine medals, six of them gold, the top two 4x1relay times ever, the fastest recorded lead off leg in history (and the very next year I wasn’t “worthy” of being on the relay)

Track and Field has never loved me the way that I loved it. Over time it became just another toxic relationship I was in- pining for love and affection from its gatekeepers and its fans only to come home with just my medal for company.

“Is that a good reason to not have this baby?” I questioned myself.

“No, it’s not.” I replied.

I called Stephanie Bruce. “Hey, I’m pregnant, is my life over?”

“Hell no,” she replied, “it get’s better” I believed her because I watch her. She’s living what she’s saying.

I didn’t believe anything Chuck was saying to me. I’d call home and ask, “what makes you think we can do this? I don’t have anything? I’m still dealing with you-know-who over you-know-what? Why would we do this? Everything I had planned stops.”

"No it doesn’t kid. I promise you. But the choice is yours.” He’d say to me.

I’d fought so hard to get Tianna back, and I was about to lose her to motherhood. 

And then I remembered something, a mantra that I would repeat to myself over the last five years-

Everything is as it should be

This mantra has carried me through some shit you hear me? Because if “everything is as it should be” that means that whatever I’m going through whether pleasant or not is for my ultimate good- to usher me into the fullness of my dharma/purpose on this planet. 

That’s my personal belief.

And I realized I couldn’t just decide that it didn’t apply to this because it was inconvenient.

Fuck. I thought. I think I’m having a baby.

I slept on it.

And then texted Chuck to say “we’re doing this” I could practically hear him crying while reading it. You’re probably thinking, that’s not something I would do via text- but I was keeping with my tradition of delivering him life shattering breaking news via text, I’ve been doing that to him for 18 years- why change up now? 

It took me a while, it took a trip to Europe, it took being home with my brothers, for me to FaceTime Steph, for me to mourn my perceived losses but ultimately I did it.

I made a choice.

I chose to have the baby. I chose motherhood. Terrifying as it was and still is.

I cancelled my surgical abortion, discarded the medical abortion pills when I eventually returned home. 

I chose to stay pregnant and so of course that kickstarted a series of “must-dos.”

We heard his heartbeat for the first time together. We had it recorded and put inside of a cute plush Duck that we call Cracker Jack who now lives in Chuck’s office. I played that heartbeat over and over.

I chose you. I’d say to the stuffed animal. And then cry, sob, laugh, sleep.

I hated being pregnant. And so my new mantra was that I chose this. And as an elite athlete when I set my mind to something that’s it- we’re going for it.

When I went into labor prematurely I reminded myself that I chose this. I needed to do what was required to see it through. I chose this.

And when Kai was born at 26 weeks and I finally had the courage to see him with all of his tubes, and wires, inside of his incubator I whispered I chose you.

And even though at 26 weeks his vision was essentially non-existent, my tiny baby boy turned his head toward my voice. 

We chose each other.

And because we did, we fought together. Every day for 73 days straight, we looked each other in the eyes in the NICU and understood without words that choice. I got him outta there three weeks early because I made the choice to spend long hours in the NICU, nursing- holding- feeding- singing- reading- cuddling. I chose to do that. He was in good hands with his team of Primary Nurses, but I chose to stay pregnant, I chose to nearly die keeping him safe during labor and delivery. I chose this life. I felt empowered by that choice.

We love hard because we choose to.

We fight hard because we choose to.

I wake up terrified and insecure and keep going because I choose to.

I’ve lived that life where I’ve had no choice in the matter before. I know how I show up when I don’t want to do it, but have to anyway.

But when I choose to do something? Well…I’ve got nine medals and a beautiful baby boy to show for what happens when I choose to something.

Who knows how this would have turned out if I had no choice in the matter.